


Our lives

by Kashika



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I promise everything will be fine again though, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of alcoholism, Mentions of suicidal tendencies, Seungri centric, angsty, happy end, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 22:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8915539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kashika/pseuds/Kashika
Summary: For Seungri, Christmas is over. He planned everything but now? Now he's left alone with too many doubts and the wrong kind of thoughts. So he makes a wish upon a shooting star. --Or, the Christmas Miracle Story in which Seungri feels worthless, wishes that he'd never met the rest of Big Bang and learns that this would have consequences he didn't anticipate.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nero/gifts).



> This story the entry for my day in the Big Bang Amino. (If you don't know what Amino is, you should go and find out. It's a pretty cool app for your phone and if you want to find me, I'm a curator in the Big Bang Amino under the name Choi Ronjae.)
> 
> Anyway, this was written mostly in one session and just read over once, so I hope it's bearable. If you want to have the proper mood, I suggest EXO - Miracles in December or something alike.
> 
> Other than that, have fun reading!
> 
> (PS: Special thanks to Tava for always giving me the loveliest comments and supporting me)

The light of Seoul was a smudge against Seungri’s windows and balcony door, outshone by far from the dozen artificial lights hung up all around his flat. They hung on his furniture, above door frames and mirrors, accompanied by fir twigs and ornaments in overflow. The Christmas tree in the middle of his living room was the brightest, most adorned of them all; he’d spend a good four hours decorating the monstrosity. A light scent of cinnamon and chocolate hung in the air from batches of cookies baked just an hour ago.

 

And all Seungri could do was to stare at his decorated flat with dull eyes.

 

Tomorrow, he should’ve celebrated Christmas together with his hyungs. The last Christmas as five of them before Seunghyun had to go to the army. Before they would all, one by one, go to the army and not see each other again like this for a long time. They had wanted to spend this last opportunity together.

 

Instead, one by one, all of them had cancelled plans with him. They got sick, had no time, something had come in between. And of course he understood. He understood and he laughed it off and he reassured each and every one of them that it was alright, that he was fine, that they would get a chance again. It wasn’t that important to him anyway.

 

Except it was. It _was_ important to him and he was _not_ fine and he felt pitiful and stupid because he apparently  was the only one who’d taken their traditional Christmas celebrations serious. The only one who even seemed to _care_ if they’d spend this holiday together or not. 

 

So now Seungri had a decorated flat and freshly baked cookies and a party planned except none of it mattered anymore.

 

Eventually, Seungri put away the cookies. Maybe he could gift some to his neighbours? He’d made way too much for himself alone.

 

He unplugged the fairy lights next, turning his flat almost dark. It didn’t do much to soothe him but at least now he couldn’t see the effort he’d put for nothing.

 

He finally pulled up his laptop to distract himself. Checking e-mails first, then going through his various SNS accounts and over some articles, reading comments. There were hundreds of fans wishing him happy holidays, sending him love from all over the world. They were so sincere and honest and it kind of made him happier again, the love of their VIPs was always something that brightened his mood. He started smiling to himself.

 

Until he found  _them_ .

 

_[+563, -19] Seungri is honestly getting a free ride with Big Bang. The only talent that guy has._

 

_[+413, -17] Let’s be honest, Big Bang is the same with or without his talentless ass. He shouldn’t have made it into the group. YG made the worst mistake of his life._

 

_[+337, -16] He’s useless, he can’t sing to save his life, his so famed dancing skills are long dead, he is embarrassing as fuck, he’s rude to the other members telling their secrets in shows, he’s dying for attention, his yelling is annoying, he’s not even that handsome, he’s a playboy who likes choking bitches, he’s not even funny, Big Bang’s comeback was delayed because of his stupid accident, he only got this far thanks to GD, he doesn’t even like Big Bang, he only wants fame and he doesn’t like music, either. Big Bang would be better off without him._

 

_[+112, -7] God, he’s so annoying. How can his members even stand him? Big Bang would be so much better if Seungri wasn’t in it._

 

_[+41, -3] He should’ve been eliminated with Jang Hyunseung…_

 

_[+27, -0] He’s a clear example of someone who earns more than they deserve. Any trainee could’ve replaced Seungri and the rest of Big Bang would’ve given him a free ride._

 

_[+10, -4] Ah, the member in charge of being untalented in Big Bang. They would be so much better without him. Less scandals. No annoying idiot tagging along._

 

_[+10, -3] The kid looks pathetic no matter what he does._ _If he really would have any decency in himself he would’ve left Big Bang a long time ago so they could have a good life without him. He’s just selfish and attention-seeking. How can anyone even like him?_

 

H e closed the browser with a quivering breath, closed the lid of his laptop, closed his eyes. He knew he shouldn’t read these kind of comments.  They weren’t good. Weren’t true.

 

_Big Bang would be better off without him_ . 

 

He shook his head. Those comments were just hateful for hate’s sake. They had nothing to do with him.  Absolutely nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Those people didn’t even know him. 

 

_Big Bang would be so much better without him. Less scandals. No annoying idiot tagging along._

 

They didn’t know him. None of them. And so they couldn’t be right. They couldn’t hurt him with lies and wrong words. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t. He should be used to those words after all those years as an idol,  shouldn’t he? They shouldn’t affect him anymore.  They shouldn’t.

 

_How can his members even stand him?_

 

But he couldn’t help them hitting a nerve within him  every time . He couldn’t help wondering if some of them were true, if Big Bang would be better without him.  Maybe he was really just dragging them down?  Jiyong had the musical and producing genius, Seunghyun the visuals and rap, Youngbae had the dancing skills and  vocals and Daesung had the vocals and humour. They didn’t necessarily  _need_ him. For anything. 

 

He stood up abruptly from his spot on the couch. Shook his head once, twice, three times violently.  _No. No. No._ He balled his hands to fists, breathing through his nose. The sharp dig of his blunt fingernails into the skin of his palms did little to distract him from the doubts rising up like old friends.

 

_If he really would have any decency in himself he would’ve left Big Bang a long time ago so they could have a good life without him._

 

Maybe they _would_ have had a better life without him. A life where they wouldn’t have needed to accommodate to his shortcomings. Where they wouldn’t have needed to wait because of his scandals. What if they would’ve become even greater without him? Even more loved? More successful?

 

Happier?

 

He looked up at the ceiling, blinked rapidly against the stinging sensation behind his eyes. He knew his hyungs loved him. He knew. And he loved them, too. His world had been filled with their presence since he was 16 years old. Sure, it hadn’t always been the best. They’ve had hurdles and bad times and difficulties. But he’d always had them regardless of what they had been facing, even before he has had VIPs and famous friends and a comfortable life.

 

He couldn’t imagine his world without them anymore.

 

And it was good, they were good. They were successful and could do what they love for a job. They had millions of fans loving them in return and they were good. They were good.

 

Seungri looked down again, taking a deep breath. He walked towards his balcony, opened the door and stepped out. Seoul was no longer a smudge against his window now but an ocean full of small, glowing fishes swimming in the endless black. The cold night’s air tousled his hair and he shivered but didn’t turn. Instead, he leaned on the balustrade. Breathing in the fresh air.

 

They were all good.

 

But what if, without him, they could be _better_ than just good? Wasn’t it selfish of him to have this life if the people he owed it to could have a better one without him?

 

Would Seunghyun, Youngbae, Jiyong and Daesung have a better life if he’d never been in it from the beginning?

 

He looked up at the dark skies dusted with millions of stars as if it could answer him. As if writings would appear in it, spelling out everything. Telling him what he was thinking was stupid, wrong. That of course, _of course_ , Big Bang was good with him, brilliant even. That he had this place for a reason, not just because. That it was his place, that he didn’t owe it but own it, that he was where he was supposed to be and how it was supposed to be. That he belonged. That there was no _better_ , not without him.

 

Instead, the skies stayed mute. Left him with doubts. With a churning feeling in his gut.

 

Until, in the corner of his vision, Seungri suddenly saw movement. He turned his head and saw that a single star fell from its place in the sky.

 

He wasn’t offered an answer. But he was offered a choice.

 

“I wish that I would’ve never met my hyungs.”

 

And made it.

 

The shooting star suddenly glowed up brightly, as if it had received his wish and Seungri was blinded by the intensity. He was blinded so strongly he tried to shield his eyes, not noticing how the star came closer. And closer. And closer _still_.

 

Until it crashed right into him and Seungri fell backwards with a pained groan, landing on the cold ground of his balcony. His head was spinning and he tried to breathe but something heavy was on his chest. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking against the brightness overtaking his vision still until he finally adjusted.

 

“Hello human.” said the glowing boy on top of him who had a strange resemblance to Seungri when he’d been 16 years old.

 

Seungri screamed.

 

He also tried to move away but that was much harder with a glowing copy of himself sitting on his chest as if it was the most natural thing to do. And it looked _exasperated_.

 

“That’s not a very nice way of greeting.” the boy tutted, shaking his head. That, at least, got Seungri to stop scrambling and screaming and instead into blinking confusedly.

 

“I’m...sorry?”, Seungri started, trying to make some sense of the whole situation, “You just kind of _fell from the sky,_ you know.”

 

The boy sighed, brushing his hands over his clothes and glimmering dust floated through the air. “Was a pretty rocky ride, haven’t done that in a few decades. Thanks for catching me, though.”

 

“Uh, you’re welcome?” Seungri was still confused beyond anything but at least now the boy finally stood up from his chest. Able to breathe and move freely now, he stood up to brush off his own clothes and noticed with a little pleasant tingle that at least, he was a bit taller than that star boy.

 

“Who… or _what_ are you even?” he finally dared to ask then. The boy, busy with patting even more stardust from his clothes and slowly starting to glow less blindingly, looked at him at the question again.

 

“Call me Yuseong. I’m a shooting star.”

 

Seungri snorted. “You’re kidding me, right? Are you sure I didn’t just slip and hit my head and dream this now?”

 

Yuseong shrugged. “You can believe that, too, if you want. Whatever suits you humans best, I don’t care. I’m just here for your wish.”

 

“You’re here for my wish.” Seungri parroted, rising an eyebrow in disbelief because what. _What_. This really felt like some weird kind of dream but he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to feel the pain from the place he hit his head on the ground earlier in dreams. But then again it was also _too damn weird to be true_.

 

“Yes, as I said”, Yuseong rolled his eyes and Seungri would’ve felt offended at the gesture if he wasn’t still so confused, “I’m here for your wish. You see, you humans tend to make really stupid wishes out of willy-nilly reasons and that’s why there’s a procedure we gotta go through first before I actually grant your wish.”

 

“A procedure?”

 

“Well, aren’t you a fast one.” Okay, now Seungri actually _was_ offended. “Yes, a procedure. You make a wish, I show you the consequences of your wish and then we’ll see if it was still such a brilliant idea, after all.”

 

“You’re kinda rude for some sort of pseudo-fairy, you know that?” he pouted, only to get decisively poked in the chest.

  
“And you’re kinda rude with disrespecting your elders, you know that, too?”

 

Seungri gaped. “Elders?”

 

“Boy, I’m a star, do you you really think I’m younger than you?”

 

 _Ah, well._ He felt a distinctive kind of embarrassed heat rising up in his cheeks. “Your looks aren’t exactly helpful. Why do you even look like me,- or well, younger me, in the first place?”

 

Yuseong let out one of those long, exasperated sighs. He was finally dimmed down enough that only a faint glow seemed to emit from him and most of the glittery dust was gone, too. “I picked a look that wouldn’t scare you off right away. You had several of those in your head to be fair, I think four others? Anyway, this is just for appearance sake. I’m still older so you should address me appropriately. I think it’s something like ‘hyung’ in your language, right?”

 

Seungri nodded slowly. Yuseong took his confirmation with a grin, the faint glow getting a bit stronger for a moment. “Nailed it! Been a while since I’ve last fallen down in this place of the earth. Anyway, this whole thing took long enough, are you ready to go see the consequences of your wish?”

 

His chest tightened unpleasantly at the thought of seeing how his hyungs would do without him. Because sure, he had wished for it but actually getting it rubbed into his face how irrelevant or even bad he was to their happiness was something he was not very fond of. On the other hand, at least like this he could make sure they would be well off without him.

 

“Yeah, alright, let’s go.”

 

He blinked and suddenly, they were in the middle of a street, cars passing by, people around them in a colourful mass of movement. Seungri turned and looked around to recognise the street when his eyes fell on a gigantic screen on the side of a building. On it, there was Seunghyun, handsome and charismatic as always. Below him was something written with a bold font and it took him a second to figure out that it was a movie title.

 

“Seunghyun became a very famous actor. One of the best in the whole business.” he heard next to him and when he turned to look at Yuseong, he nearly jumped. He was no longer looking at his 16 year old self but Seunghyun how he had first met him. It was almost funny because the star-boy looked nothing like the polished up version on the enormous display. And yet, Yuseong looked much more familiar like this.

 

Seungri quickly turned to the giant screen again. “That sounds a lot like him. Seunghyun-hyung has always been really good at acting and he definitely has the looks for it as well.”

 

It only hurt a bit that Seunghyun was well off without ever having known Seungri. Because well, he hadn’t expected anything less anyway.

 

“What about Youngbae-hyung?” he asked next.

 

Yuseong nodded. “Follow me.”

 

Seungri did. He only noticed now that they moved along the people’s masses like ghosts, passing through them as if they weren’t there at all. A sudden, very sickening thought crawled up his spine.

 

“Am I dead?”

 

“Nah”, Yuseong answered easily, leading the way further down the street, “your body is just still in reality. This is more like a projection and it’s easiest to travel like this.”

 

“Ah.” So he wasn’t dead after all. Thank god.

 

They walked further down the streets in silence until it was less crowded. There was a big building dominating the way in front of them and he wondered if it was their destination. It definitely looked nice and modern and very clean. Something Youngbae would approve of.

 

And then he saw the large sign with ‘Taeyang’s Dancing School’.

 

He gaped. “Youngbae-hyung has a dancing school?” He turned his head towards Yuseong for confirmation. However, the boy was no longer Seunghyun’s young self but Youngbae’s and it felt weird again. Why was this star-boy going through his memories like that?

 

“Very popular and famous one. Dancers coming from this school are among the most successful ones in the last five years. Idol companies fight each other to recruit people who’ve been here.”

 

Seungri looked back towards the building. “Well, Youngbae-hyung has always been a really incredible dancer. I’m not surprised that scouts from all entertainment companies want to have people who’ve been taught by him.”

 

He really wasn’t. Even during trainee days he’d always looked up to the things Youngbae could do that he still had trouble with. Of course, that never really changed. He sighed wistfully.

 

“How’s Jiyong-hyung?”

 

“Well, what do you think?” Yuseong asked him instead of answering and he chuckled humourlessly.

 

“Alright, maybe that question was stupid. He’s an incredibly famous musician still, isn’t he?” when he looked at Yuseong, he wasn’t surprised to see a teenage Jiyong standing in front of him. He realised with some kind of misplaced humour, though, that this was Jiyong how they first talked about the drama Princess Hours and not how they had first met. Well, who could blame him?

 

“You’re pretty much on point, yeah.”

 

He nodded. Nothing surprising there. Jiyong had been born to be in the music industry, with or without Seungri. He’d always been pretty much aware of that and it didn’t even sting that much.

 

“I bet his music fills a whole category at stores now.” he joked but Yuseong just snapped his fingers and they were in the middle of one. Right next to Seungri, a big poster was hanging over a big table with stacks upon stacks of CDs. All of them were Jiyong’s. He wondered briefly if they were limited edition.

 

“You’re not exactly wrong.”

 

He hummed. “Didn’t think I would be. What about Daesung-hyung, though?”

 

“He became the most famous non-Japanese singer in all of Japan.”

 

Seungri actually laughed at that. “I bet he’ll have to perform ‘Look at me Gwisoon’ until he’s eighty, then. He deserves it though, his vocals are amazing.”

 

When he looked over to Yuseong, Daesung looked back at him with an expression that was so atypical for the Daesung he knew that he actually got shivers. Even in his younger years, he’d never seen Daesung look at anyone _pitiful_. Like Seungri was just being painfully oblivious.

 

“Don’t use his face like that.” he blurted out before thinking. Yuseong’s features softened, thankfully, into a neutral expression and even though that felt kinda off, too, he didn’t complain again. Instead, he turned away, trying not to think about the heavy feeling in his chest.

 

But it seemed true, after all. They were all better off without him.

 

“Let me see the section of Big Bang’s albums before we go back, yes? I’m curious if they have any songs I don’t know.”

 

Yuseong stayed weirdly silent, just pointing towards another aisle with more music. Seungri ignored the behaviour and walked it down until he came to section ‘B’. It didn’t take him long to find Big Bang from then on. A feeling of weird nostalgia rose up at the albums and EPs and singles he saw. He knew that technically, none of them involved him but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still remember the endless hours in the studio, how they had to learn the lyrics and the dance, shot the music videos and prepared for the stages.

 

And then he noticed something weird.

 

“Why is there nothing coming after 2011? Are they all sold out?”

 

“They don’t exist.”

 

Seungri whipped around at that. “What do you mean they _don’t exist_?”

 

And there was that pitiful expression again.

 

“ _Stop doing that._ ” he barked with a sense of dread. Yuseong changed back to Seunghyun while shaking his head.

 

“Big Bang disbanded in 2011.” he told Seungri then and Seungri felt like he’d been punched in the face.

 

_What?_

 

“What?” he croaked out. Big Bang, _disbanded_?

  
“But why?”

 

Yuseong sighed. Everything around them faded. “This is what happens when you only look at the appearance of things. Let me show you what this world actually looks like.”

 

They were inside a big living room. It looked expensive and neat and although somewhat familiar the absolute minimalistic style didn’t leave room to guess. There was no personal furniture, no pictures nor anything else indicating that this wasn’t just a set to be photographed and put in a catalogue. If it wasn’t for the single, slouched figure sitting with his back to Seungri on the couch, he wouldn’t have thought this room to be occupied at all.

 

“Seunghyun-hyung?” he asked carefully, recognising the man anywhere. There was no reaction, however and he remembered again that he wasn’t _really_ here. There was the distinctive sound of glass being put back on the table and he only briefly saw the almost empty bottle of wine before Seunghyun drank the entire glass he’d apparently just poured himself in one go.

 

Without thinking, he quickly rounded the couch to look at the man’s face and what he saw was not what he’d expected. Seunghyun was drunk, very obviously so with flushed cheeks and the way he slightly swayed from side to side. He saw another wine bottle, also empty, to his hyung’s feet but the absence of another glass that would indicate that Seunghyun hadn’t just nearly drank two bottles of wine alone was giving him a sick feeling to the stomach.

 

Seunghyun looked so _lonely_.

 

He felt the urge to do something silly to cheer Seunghyun up. Maybe snatch the remaining bottle and hide it or at least drink the rest himself so Seunghyun couldn’t and then make faces at him. But he couldn’t and even _if_ he could, in this life, Seunghyun wouldn’t know who he was. Would probably call the police because a crazy sasaeng fan had broken in into his flat.

 

He swallowed down his worry to look up at Yuseong again. “Why is he drinking like this all alone?”

 

“He has no one to drink with.”

 

Seungri frowned. “What are you talking about? Seunghyun-hyung has lots of friends! Even apart from us, he always had a lot of friends he would go out to drink with. He even ditched us for them sometimes.”

 

“Not in this world”, Yuseong started with a glance to Seunghyun pouring the rest of his second bottle of wine, “after Big Bang disbanded, he turned his back on music and completely dedicated himself to acting to the point where you could call him a workaholic.”

 

He shook his head vehemently. “You must be kidding me. Seunghyun-hyung _loves_ music. And what about all his art-buddies? You can’t tell me-”

 

“He never got into art.” Yuseong interrupted him.

 

“What? But he’s crazy about art and all those weird chairs and his instagram is always full with it, too! How could he not be into art?” Was this even still a shred of the Seunghyun he used to know?

 

“He never had the time to pursue that passion. He just works a lot and drinks a lot and he doesn’t care about anything else anymore. Not after Big Bang disbanded.”

 

Seungri still felt like it was all just a stupid lie but Seunghyun sitting right in front of him in this state was more than enough to make him believe. Now he also knew why this flat had seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar to him. He recognised Seunghyun’s general taste in everything, yet the weird pieces of furniture and art were completely missing.

 

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to swallow down the feeling crawling up his throat. “What about Youngbae-hyung?”

 

When he opened his eyes again, he was on top of a building. He immediately recognised the streets below as the one he’d stood on earlier, gazing up to the dancing school. Suddenly, the door behind him opened and out came Youngbae with barely more than a t-shirt despite freezing temperatures. And a cane.

 

 _What_.

 

Youngbae limped slightly, a strong grip on the cane he was using as he was slowly walking towards Seungri’s place on the edge of the building. Seungri could barely swallow past the lump in his throat.

 

“What happened to him?”

 

“He overworked himself because he had too much expectations on him being the only ‘real’ dancer in Big Bang. Damaged his leg irreparably in the process.”

 

Seungri watched with horror as Youngbae limped past him. He could never imagine how his hyung must feel. Dancing was one of the passions that only the two of them shared in their group so he knew how much it meant to Youngbae. Seeing him limp pathetically like this was like watching a beautiful swan with a broken wing.

 

He was about to say something else when he saw how Youngbae stepped onto the roof’s elevation on the edge of the building, letting his cane fall behind him. His eyes widened in shock as he leaped forward to pull his hyung back immediately but his hand went right through the material of Youngbae’s shirt.

  
“No no no, what is he doing?! Make me real immediately!” he shouted as soon as he realised that he couldn’t do anything like this, frantically looking over to Yuseong. But all he got was a young Youngbae shaking his head at him.

 

“I can’t do that.” Seungri wanted to storm over to him to grab him by the collar but he also feared stepping away even one bit from Youngbae even though he couldn’t do a thing like this.

 

“What do you mean you _can’t do that_. What if he falls? What if he _jumps_?” he knew he sounded close to hysteric now but god, what _if_? He turned towards Youngbae again who was merely staring down onto the streets lifelessly. “Why would he even do this? Doesn’t he realise that it’s dangerous? God Youngbae-hyung, please come down from there.”

 

“He’s well aware. You could say he has some suicidal tendencies.”

 

Seungri tried to grab at Youngbae’s wrist this time but nothing. It went right through.

 

“No. You’re lying. Suicide is a sin, Youngbae-hyung would never do that.”

 

“He doesn’t believe in god anymore.”

 

Seungri was about to protest, about to call out what absolute _bullshit_ this was because Youngbae? Not believing in god anymore? It was absurd! But then a gust of wind pulled up the flimsy t-shirt, revealing Youngbae’s side just for a moment. And instead of the beautiful cross tattoo that had adorned his side, he only saw faint scar tissue. Despite not being able to feel the wind, a shiver ran down his spine.

 

“Why?” was everything he could ask with a weak voice.

 

“His leg injury came first. Then Big Bang disbanding and everything that happened to the other members and then Hyorin broke up with him as well. Even the strongest people can lose their faith then.” Yuseong explained to him calmly.

 

Seungri was afraid to ask. He was afraid to leave Youngbae alone like this. But he needed to know. “What happened to the other members? What could possibly happen to Jiyong-hyung that he wouldn’t be able to prevent... _this_?”

 

Yuseong sighed behind him. “Let me show you.”

 

Another apartment but this time, it was far from familiar. The furniture was even more minimalistic than Seunghyun’s, blinds were pulled down to block out as much light from the outside as possible and yet everything looked absolutely chaotic. Papers with snippets of writing were lying everywhere, books strewn across tables, empty bottles and used dishes on top.

 

“What...what happened here?” he asked completely overwhelmed by the absolutely atypical chaos surrounding him everywhere. He looked around to see if he could spot Jiyong anywhere but his hyung was nowhere to be seen. Only Yuseong in his younger shape now.

 

“You could say fame got to him.”

 

“Fame got-?” Seungri was interrupted by a loud noise coming from not too far away and he quickly rushed into the direction. It took him a moment to locate the source, running through the half-open bathroom door only to see Jiyong sitting on the floor, several containers of pills spilled around him over the tiles.

 

“Oh god what happened to him?” Seungri knelt down next to his hyung, wanting to shake him out of the delirious state he seemed to be in but couldn’t. The sight of all those pills made him sick. “Is he ill? What are all those for?”

 

When Yuseong was silent for a moment, he looked up to the star-boy with a frantic expression. “What’s wrong with him?”

 

“He’s not ill, at least not physically.” Yuseong explained slowly and the blood slowly left Seungri’s face.

 

“Not… physically?” he asked, yet didn’t wait for an answer as he twisted and turned to read the labels on the pill containers. Antidepressants. Sleeping pills. Anxiety medication. Other nameless things he dreaded to find out the purpose of.

 

“I told you, the fame got to him. Being under the constant pressure of it without the support of any of his members ruined him eventually. Depression, anxiety, insomnia...you name it.”

 

Seungri felt his hands trembling as he watched Jiyong’s head lulling against the bathtub with a dull thud. He could only hope his hyung hadn’t taken any overdose because there was nothing he could do now.

 

“I don’t understand.” he’d always looked up to Jiyong so incredibly much and seeing him like this broke something in Seungri he wasn’t quite ready to admit to. All of his hyungs has had troubles and shortcomings and problems in their life but they’ve all had seemed so invincible nonetheless. They were human, yes but all of them had always looked to him like they could go through everything regardless. Like no matter what, they were strong together and no bad times could tear them down. Seeing first Seunghyun, then Youngbae and now Jiyong like this tore on his heart. He took a deep, shaky breath when he looked to Yuseong again.

 

“Why is all of this happening? Why is nobody helping them? Does nobody _care_? What about Daesung-hyung? He’s always been there when he could, where is he? He’d keep Seunghyun-hyung company and help Youngbae-hyung with his faith and be there for Jiyong-hyung with a smile instead of those pills…”, Seungri realised he was babbling, blinking rapidly against the burning sensation in his eyes, “where is he? What happened?”

 

“Do you really want to know?” Yuseong’s question was careful, quiet. Every last alarm in Seungri’s head rung out at the tone but he needed to know. He _needed to_.

 

“Yes. Show me.”

 

Yuseong nodded. “Alright.”

 

Jiyong was gone. As were all the pills and the bathtub and the entire bathroom. Instead, Seungri was kneeling on the snowy ground somewhere outside. He didn’t recognise his surroundings because of the absence of any real light source, the darkness surrounding him skewing with his perception. It looked like a field or a park of some sort with weird shadows all around him but he couldn’t tell if they were sculptures or small trees or whatever.

 

“Where are we? And what does this have to do with Daesung-hyung?”

 

Yuseong just silently pointed behind Seungri, slowly starting to glow brighter. With a sudden sense of horror, he slowly turned around. The light of Yuseong’s shine illuminated the shadows behind Seungri.

 

‘Kang Daesung

April 26, 1989 – October 12, 2011

 

An angel taken by guilt instead of God.’

 

If Seungri hadn’t already been kneeling on the ground, his legs would’ve given out for sure. He stared, with disbelieving eyes, at the gravestone in front of him, reading and re-reading the inscription over and over as if it would change if he’d just do it enough. As if the cold, uncaring stone would rewrite itself and reassure him that it was just a joke, a very, very cruel joke and that this wasn’t Daesung’s gravestone, no. Because it couldn’t be. It couldn’t be.

 

“This is a fake. You’re lying. This can’t be.” he hiccuped, blinking rapidly but this time it only got the tears to fall instead of holding them back. Seungri started sobbing while simultaneously trying to pathetically wipe his eyes dry again. “This is all just a huge prank, isn’t it?”

 

He turned towards Yuseong and seeing him as Daesung once more only made him cry more. “Tell me this is a joke. Please. _Please_ tell me this is just a stupid joke.”

 

Yuseong shook his head. “It isn’t. The car accident where Daesung killed someone still happened. He couldn’t take the guilt this time however and killed himself. After that, Big Bang disbanded. You saw the rest of what happened.”

 

Seungri turned back to the gravestone, giving up on trying to wipe his tears. Instead, he touched the cold surface, running his fingers over the inscription with a pathetic whimper.

 

“Do you still think they are better off without you?” Yuseong suddenly asked him.

 

Seungri snivelled slightly, not looking away from the words in front of him. “I-? What?”

 

“This is the world your wish would create.” Yuseong started gently. Around them, the ground and gravestones and even the snow slowly started to glow the same gold Yuseong had when he’d fallen from the sky.

 

”Not being in their lives means taking away the light you shine on it. Every single one of you humans on this planet is there for a reason. All of you are friends and family to someone, you all love and lean on each other and support each other, no exceptions. And your existence in their life has a reason as well.”

 

The golden glow dissolved steadily into millions and millions of small particles and Seungri recognised them to look alike the dust Yuseong had had patted off of his clothes. He was surrounded by warm brightness everywhere now, watching how it all dissolved towards the dark skies and slowly filling it with twinkling light.

 

“Life is like a puzzle made out of millions of pieces. And it’s your role to be the bright and shining pieces in between the dark ones for your beloved ones, just like stars in the sky. You belong to them and into their lives just like they belong to you and into your life. Do you see it now?”

 

Seungri took a quivering breath. The ground and all the world around him was nearly gone now but the sky above him was glittering brightly and brilliantly and his chest felt heavy yet light all the same. He wasn’t crying anymore, his eyes instead filled with the reflection of the millions and millions of stars glowing warmly at him.

 

“Yeah, I think I can see it now.” Seungri smiled. “Thank you.” And closed his eyes.

 

The penetrating ring of his phone woke Seungri up with a groan. He blinked slowly against the light streaming through his window, realising that he was lying on his couch. He yawned once before reaching for his phone, taking the call without really checking the caller ID.

 

“Hello?” he yawned again, rubbing at his eyes. He tried to figure out when and how he’d returned to his couch. Had the whole thing just been a dream, after all?

 

“Seungri, finally”, he suddenly heard his manager on the other side, “you need to come to YG immediately, there’s an emergency! Hurry!”

 

At the word ‘emergency’, he immediately jumped up from his position. Visions of a completely wasted and lonely Seunghyun, a limping and suicidal Youngbae, a totally lost and dazed Jiyong and an injured,- or worse -, Daesung flashed before his eyes. “What kind of emergency?”

 

“Just hurry up, I explain everything when you’re here!” and with that, his manager had hung up. Seungri had never in his life been quicker with putting on his shoes and jacket or rushing to his car. He drove as close to the tempo limit as he could, going over it when he was sure he could. He was almost at the YG building when his phone rang again. This time he checked the ID and saw that it was his manager again. He quickly turned on his speaking system so he could continue to concentrate on the road.

 

“Yes? What is it, hyung?” he asked anxiously.

 

“The issue resolved itself, Seungri. You can turn back home. Sorry that I’ve bothered you like this on Christmas.”

 

He slowed down. “What?”

 

“I said it’s okay, you don’t need to come anymore.” his manager repeated and he felt both relieved and a bit annoyed.

 

“What happened that you don’t need me anymore? What even happened in the first place?” he asked while turning on his indicator so he could take the next road back to his apartment.

 

“Ahh about that, uhm, it’s complicated Seungri. There’s still work I have to do now so just have a lovely day. Goodbye.” he could barely say a ‘goodbye’ himself before his manager had hung up on him again. He grumbled a bit at the odd behaviour and the small heart attack he’d gone through imagining god knows what while he drove back home more calmly this time.

 

When he finally opened the door to his apartment again, he was confused that all the fairy lights were turned on. He pulled off his shoes with a frown, pretty sure he had turned them all off the night before and hadn’t turned them on again before leaving.

 

“Hello?” he called suspiciously into his flat while picking up an umbrella from next to the door. What if someone had broken into his apartment? But then again, what thief would turn on all the lights? So maybe a sasaeng fan instead?

 

As soon as he came into his living room, he didn’t have time to guess what was going on anymore. All at once, he was suddenly attacked from both sides, the umbrella in his hands uselessly cluttering to the ground as he shouted in surprise that he was… hugged?

 

“Surprise!” suddenly came from both right and left and he stared with disbelief into the faces of his hyungs.

 

“Merry Christmas, maknae.” Jiyong grinned at him and he could already feel Seunghyun poking his side while Youngbae wrapped his arm more around Seungri’s neck to ruffle his hair and Daesung smiled somewhere to his left.

 

He could only stare at them all with a gobsmacked expression for several seconds. “But… you were sick? And busy? And… and overseas and-”

 

Suddenly, he saw the pile of presents under and next to his lit up Christmas tree, saw the food and silly Santa hats and Rudolf antlers on his table, his ugliest Christmas sweater hanging over the armrest of his couch and everything clicked. Now, the weird behaviour of his manager made a lot more sense.

 

“I hate all of you”, he started to feel the almost familiar prickling behind his eyes now as he looked at the prepared things and into the bright, smiling features of all his hyungs, “I hate all of you so much.”

 

“Awww, Seungri are you crying?” Youngbae teased him with a gentle smile while Seunghyun started to laugh. When he couldn’t help the actual tears starting to roll down his cheeks however, they all looked at him concernedly.

 

“Your manager didn’t tell you anything terrible to get you out of your flat though, right?” Daesung was the first to ask him worriedly.

 

And he looked at Daesung, remembering all the small, nice things he said and the big, bright smiles he gave. He looked at Jiyong and remembered all the harsh but well meant words, all the subtle but heartfelt gestures he gave. Looked at Youngbae and remembered the genuine care and support he gave, the ear he would lend to listen. Lastly, he looked at Seunghyun and all his unique weirdness that he wasn’t ashamed to use to make them laugh and happy, the ways he looked out for all of them as the oldest.

 

And his heart filled and filled and filled up with so much warmth and love, he felt like he was about to burst.

 

“No, no it’s okay.” he reassured his hyungs, snivelling a bit but grinning all the same as he looked at them, good and healthy and happy and _there_. With him. On Christmas. They had all taken a small step back from him after their initial group-hug but now he just stretched his arms to gather them all in one again. “I’m just happy to see you all.”

 

His hyungs complied, letting Seungri snuggle into them while hands patted his back and arms and head and he felt good, so good.

 

“Are you sure you’re alright, Riri? You’re acting strange.” Seunghyun asked him concernedly and he nodded in between what he assumed to be Youngbae’s and Jiyong’s shoulders. He was just glad to be there, glad to have them. He just needed to have them close for a moment, needed to reassure himself that they were good, all good. He sniffed a few more times then before letting go of them again with a watery smile, wiping at his cheeks.

 

“Yes, I’m good. Perfect even.” he assured them once more, taking a few deep breaths to calm down completely. The smile suddenly fell from his face and instead was replaced with a stern look.

 

“Anyway, you”, he pointed his finger at Seunghyun, “from now on you’re not allowed to drink alone anymore, you hear me? If you want to have a drink you call me and we have one together. I don’t care if it’s late, you hear me? No drinking alone.”

 

Next, he pointed at Youngbae, “and you, if I ever see you overworking yourself again or working when you’re sick or injured then I swear I will tape you to the bed _personally_.”

 

“And you”, now he looked at Jiyong, pointing, “take a break every once in a while, got it? I know you think you need to write and produce and do every little last thing for our songs but _everyone_ needs a break, even you, hyung. You’re not a machine so be good to yourself and if you can’t be good to yourself then I will come for your skinny ass and show you how.”

 

“And lastly, you”, he turned to Daesung, pointing at him, “if you ever feel bad you will _talk_ to people about it. No buts or worries about ‘burdening them’ or some stupid shit. We’re family and I don’t care that I’m younger than you if you have something that troubles you and you feel like you can’t go to anyone else, _you come to me._ ”

 

He lowered his hand with a satisfied exhale, grinning again at his gobsmacked hyungs. “Now, who wants some cookies? I’ve made at least five batches yesterday and they’re not gonna eat themselves.”

 

The light of the day was a smudge against Seungri’s windows and balcony door, outshone by far from the dozen artificial lights hung up all around his flat. They hung on his furniture, above door frames and mirrors, accompanied by fir twigs and ornaments in overflow. The Christmas tree in the middle of his living room was the brightest, most adorned of them all; he’d spend a good four hours decorating the monstrosity. A light scent of cinnamon and chocolate still hung in the air from batches of cookies baked just yesterday.

 

And all Seungri could do was look at his four hyungs with sparkling eyes and the brightest smile.

 

The star on top of his Christmas tree gave a twinkle in acknowledgement.

 

Then, all hell broke loose when Seunghyun, Youngbae, Jiyong and Daesung realised how rudely Seungri had just talked to them.


End file.
